Experiment 0: Introductions

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This post will be stickied to the top of the homepage of the blog for the forseeable future with new reviews appearing after it.  Also, EDIT: 10/21/19-  Yes, there are ads on this blog.  No I didn’t put them there.  No, I can’t remove them without paying.  Sorry, don’t click on them.)

Greetings.  My name is Crypticpsych.  Some of you may remember me from my time writing for a website a few years ago (now online under a different name, Horror Freak News) or for the brief time when I provided news and analysis for the podcast Exorcast.  Back then, I always saw reviewing as a science.  While I was always reviewing the horror or the horror-esque, I always did so with the intent to praise the genre, not minimize it.  I left the written reviewing world when I started feeling extreme burnout… and also found time was at a premium (the same reason my compatriots at Exorcast have stopped).  It’s been four years since I wrote my last review and three years since my last podcast.

But I could never stay away from reviewing forever.

So welcome to my new online home.  All the old Exorcast episodes are up on ITunes (most of which I’m not on) and all my old reviews are on the website I mentioned (if you can figure out their search engine).  But this is where the new me lives.  Back in the old days, I was doing my written reviews while being a scientist in real life.  Now I’ve left the real-world lab behind (and the store I used to manage) but I still want to conduct cinematic experiments here.  There are some rules that I hope to always abide by, however.

1. This introductory post will be the only place the words “elevated horror” will appear on this site.  In the time since I went on hiatus, that term became popular to describe movies like Get Out and Hereditary that gained critical acclaim.  That phrase chills me to the core of my being as does the fact that horror-specializing critics use it themselves.  To use such a term insults the genre in the words themselves, because, if you describe it as “elevated”, where is the rest of the “horror” that isn’t?  Horror has gotten a bad rap for too long and doesn’t need its own fans shoving it down more.
2. By the same token, there will be no hype posts, no trailer posts, no press release posts.  There are far too many websites that confuse these kinds of things for news and criticism.  You come here for my experiments, and that is what I intend to give.  What you don’t need is me fluffing a movie for months before it releases only to see it and hate it.
3. Back when I wrote reviews, I eventually was paid for it by the site I wrote for.  As such, I was provided screeners and access to advance reviews for a decent chunk of what I reviewed.  I made it my goal whenever I got those to never let the movie being free color my review.  The same rule applies here.  Granted, there is no one to give me screeners right now and advance screenings will be few and far between… but this is my promise regardless that my reviews and opinions are my own, period.
4. While I know my specialty is horror, now that I have a website where I can review whatever I want, don’t be surprised if movies from other genres show up from time to time in between the darkness.
5. I’ll try to review as often as I can but that may not be more than once every week or two.
6. Finally, there is one change from when I used to review.  This time around, I won’t always be alone.  Many times the review will just be mine, but there will also sometimes be a second opinion in them from my partner in criticism, Frequency X.  I always value Frequency X’s opinion in everything and thought everyone else would like to here it too.  (Note: Frequency X, while somewhat a fan of the darker side, gives another perspective that I may have not seen as they are not as avid a horror fan as me.)

So welcome to my lab.  I’m glad to be conducting my “experiments” again.

Experiment D1: Analytics of Electronically-Distributed Cinematic Media, or The Comings and Goings of Horror Movies in Subscription-Based Services

CATALYST:

The Desire to Watch Movies From Home

REAGENTS:

• Hulu
• Shudder
• Tubi
• Amazon Prime
• Peacock
• HBO Max
• Hoopla
• Pluto TV
• Kanopy
• And far, far too many more

REACTION:

In this, the time of lockdown and pandemics, an existing trend toward non-physical media has only accelerated.  This trend began with the advent of Netflix and has only grown with the demise of chain video stores, the proliferation of additional streaming services (niche and otherwise), and the public health-necessitated decision to release theatrically-planned movies digital only or in a simultaneous theatrical-digital combo.  However, as doom-and-gloom articles are written about the demise of physical media and the future of theaters, the questions arise:  when you can’t buy all the services, which ones offer the best value for money for a horror fan?  And is there a hidden cost from the reduction of theatrical releases and the loss of rental stores or is there an overreaction?

HYPOTHESIS:

The biggest names in streaming may not always be the best.  The most expensive services may not always be the greatest value.  And having all the information in the world at our fingertips may not mean we haven’t lost some things along the way.

EXPERIMENTAL CONDITIONS:

The first question we have to ask when we are trying to figure out the best streaming services for the money is how we quantify “best”.  Ideally, we’d have a list of movies that we’d compare all the streaming services on with regard to availability.  Then, after determining the availability, we’d see which services have high availability at low cost.  This, however, then gets into the thorny issue of what would make that list.  Every list is subject to biases…what makes my list may not make yours and vice versa.  In addition, the perfect list would not leave timeframes out…it would cover both the earliest days of the genre and the most recent new releases.  It also would have some movies from other countries as well as movies everyone has heard of and movies that are more obscure to the mainstream.  Such a list would seem impossible to find…so imagine my surprise when I found something serviceable in the literal last place I’d expect: Rotten Tomatoes. 

I’ve made no secret in the past that I believe Rotten Tomatoes is never an accurate barometer of the goodness or badness of film to an individual viewer, only an aggregation of critical reviews and audience reviews (that they “interpret” as positive or negative in some cases).  The differences between critical consensus and audience opinion, ESPECIALLY in highly taste-driven genres like horror, sci-fi, and action, can be vast and often unintentionally can show the difference between what your average horror fan likes and what “film critics” like in a horror movie.  That being said, it is true that the highest in both departments are generally liked universally.  For this reason, Rotten Tomatoes once dug into its system and produced a list of the 100 best horror movies of all time.  To be considered, each movie needs at least 20 “Fresh” reviews and then are ranked by Tomatometer.  Given the genre has been around for over 100 years in cinematic form, they’ve also expanded the list since its initial creation to include 200 movies.  By doing this and keeping it up-to-date, they’ve inadvertently made a 200-movie list that includes movies from the beginning of the genre all the way to the age of streaming.  It’s filled with movies that are in-print, out-of-print, English-language, foreign, streaming-exclusive, and from every conceivable corner of horror.  If you’d like to examine it yourself, it can be found here: https://editorial.rottentomatoes.com/guide/best-horror-movies-of-all-time/.  It’s so up-to-date that I ran this analysis twice between August and September 2021 (to account for something I’ll discuss later) and, in the time between those two analyses, at least one movie (American Psycho if you’re curious) fell off the list after my two analyses to be replaced with something else.  I then ran it again in January 2022 and saw another six drop off.  So, while I may not agree with everything on this list, I do appreciate the value and worth of a list that can cover gialli, slashers, Universal Monsters, and the hottest Netflix and Shudder exclusives all at the same time.

So, now that we’ve picked our base list of movies, how do we analyze each service?  Well, a website that is…mostly…accurate is JustWatch.  Type a movie or TV show in on it and it will tell you where it’s streaming and if it’s buyable digitally or physically.  The list of services it can tell you streaming status for is frankly staggering including a slew that many have never heard of. That being said, it isn’t a perfect system… it tends to nail the many changes of when movies enter or leave Netflix, Hulu, or Amazon Prime… but it’s still worth actually checking the services themselves to ensure there aren’t ones that may have slipped through the updating cracks and are unavailable since availability can and frequently does change on a near-monthly basis. 

So, with all of that said, here’s the investigation’s methodology:

1. Get the aforementioned Rotten Tomatoes list.
2. One by one, enter each and every one of the movies into JustWatch and look at the results.  This step is actually more complex than it seems.  JustWatch, while great, puts all streaming services on the same level.  This means paid subscriptions that are possible to be had separate from cable services are in the same pool as those tied inextricably to cable channels.  So, in this case, any service that requires a user to have a cable or satellite account (like DirectTV VOD) was not examined in this investigation.  There is an exception to this rule…which is also even more complex.  Amazon has Prime…but they also have “Channels”.  For a nominal fee, you can subscribe to a channel through Amazon.  Some of these channels are also cable channels like Showtime, AMC, and Cinemax.  In those cases, they are counted since you can actually get those services without having a cable service.  Oh…and no, I’m not counting Youtube because suffice to say the litany of movies available there…legally and otherwise…would be way too complicated for this.
3. In an Excel spreadsheet, next to each movie’s title, each streaming service gets a column.  If it’s streamable, a “1” is put under that service, if not, it’s left blank.  If it isn’t streamable at all, a “1” was put in the “Not streamable” column. This doesn’t necessarily mean the movie is completely unobtainable digitally.  Some can still be rented or purchased outside of a service.
4. After going through all 200, the columns are totaled and the services are ranked.
5. As I did the initial analysis in mid-late August, I noticed a couple movies were leaving services within the next few days following the analysis.  I also saw the upcoming list of new additions to some services included movies that were on the list but not streamable during the initial analysis.  Therefore, the next step was to repeat the analysis again in early-mid September and note the changes.  I also realized there was a strong chance that some services were building up their offerings in anticipation of Halloween and decided to run the analysis a third time in January to ensure that, after the Halloween season had ended, the much-publicized offerings that had been picked up were still there.  The final January analysis includes everything that was on the list previously as well as some new additions.  Yes, this article is over six months in the making.

Now, before we talk results, I do want to discuss a subject that came up as I was starting this analysis.  Physical video rental is very much a nostalgic yet controversial topic right now.  Bringing up Blockbuster specifically and being nostalgic can rain hate upon someone because of what Blockbuster did to mom-and-pop stores and edited versions of movies.  I can speak to this myself having gone to a college that had a Blockbuster down the street from it with a “We Got Movies” literally around the corner in the same block as it that it ran out of business (I patronized both).  I admit, however, one reason why I wanted to do this is my own nostalgia for physical stores.  I rented my favorite movie for the first time from a Blockbuster and would never have seen a slew of others without it and other big name and small name stores like Major Video, Hollywood Video, Blair’s Video, and Movie Gallery.  I miss those aisles of movies and I hate that usually the only way we can see them now is pop-up exhibits or extremely niche locations that dwindle more and more by the month.  BUT…it should be pointed out that rental isn’t dead…it’s just in a different form.  The vast majority of movies that aren’t available via streaming service ARE available via rental for a period and for a price that is usually in line with what brick-and-mortar stores used to be.  Now, a debate over who actually owns a movie you buy or rent digitally is one for another day.  After all, I have a decent digital library thanks to my physical collection, but I also had to switch it over to Vudu when I realized that Movies Anywhere didn’t cut a deal with LionsGate which made a decent chunk of my Ultraviolet collection unwatchable.  There’s also a reason for the continuing nostalgia for the original VHS box art that’s being mimicked by companies like Severin, Arrow, Scream Factory, and Vinegar Syndrome.  Overall, though, renting didn’t entirely go away… it just evolved.

RESULTS AND OBSERVATIONS:

Now then, based on the methodology given above, the following are the results of this extremely tedious analysis:

The Best Things in Life Really Are Free Sometimes:  Did you have money on Shudder winning this?  It is the biggest horror streaming service and performed well…but no, you’d be wrong.  Did you think of the big names?  Amazon Prime, Netflix, Hulu, Peacock, HBO Max?  That’s also a no, a no, a no, a no, and a no.  They did perform admirably…and some better than others.  However, none of the ones I mentioned even finished in the top 5.  The actual winner, though?  Well, that would be Tubi…and by a shockingly wide margin.  It was the only service to crack 20% of the 200 movies by having 48 of them on the first analysis then lost two and gained three to put it at 49 on the second.  Then, when other services were dumping their genre offerings after Halloween, there was Tubi to pick them up, putting them at an unheard of 55 during the January run.  Tubi is decently well-known among horror fans but definitely does not get the publicity and advertising of the big names.  It’s a 100% free streaming service available a variety of ways.  Some complain it has ads in its movies…however anyone who’s watched a movie on TV would appreciate that its ads maybe occur in a total of 3-4 breaks over the whole film and only last about two minutes tops each…negligible in the grand scheme in other words (also, since some pay subscription services still have ads, definitely not the worst ad-related crime possible).  In addition, the service isn’t solely limited to horror and features underground indie selections as well as both movies from the beginnings of the genre (The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari) and the last decade (A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night, Rare Exports, Goodnight Mommy, Housebound, and Train to Busan).  It also is massively important if someone wants to get a heads up about some of the more obscure titles that are released by boutique companies like Vinegar Syndrome.  A user of one of their Facebook groups took the liberty of checking Tubi on January 23 to see how much of their catalog could be streamed there.  The results were a staggering 114 titles.  Those titles may not be in the same condition as the pristine transfers Vinegar Syndrome releases in physical disc but they do still provide a valuable service in allowing users to preview titles they may be interested in but may not be sure of.  Similar results can be found looking for the releases of Severin and Synapse.

I’d say it was the best service for the money…but that actually sells the second-place service short…because it is ALSO FREE.  This service is so underdiscussed I had literally never heard of it before this analysis…and yet there Kanopy is with 45 movies in the January analysis.  It’s similar to another high-finishing service, Hoopla, which finished just behind AMC Plus and Shudder with 33 films.  Through all of these analyses, both Kanopy and Hoopla have finished in the top 5, at times in the top 3.  Both of those services are 100% free provided your local library works with the service and you have a working library card.  In addition, the service also includes audiobooks and music for rental the same way.  In short, before even considering pay subscriptions, EVERYONE should look into Tubi, Hoopla, and Kanopy.  Then, once you’ve done all of that…well, the only service that has 40 or more movies in January besides those is Shudder’s score of 40 (which is run by AMC Plus, a service that finishes at a similar score of 43).  Through all three analyses, those five services are the only ones that consistently finish with a score greater than 30 movies of the 200 examined.

If Something Isn’t There Anymore, Did It Ever Exist?:  While it is true that Tubi finished in first in the January analysis, technically something else did come in ahead of every other option besides it, finishing at 54 movies.  It is the only other option to consistently finish with between 20 and 30% of the list.  Sadly though…that option was movies not available in a paid or free streaming service (for the record, that number may fluctuate… in the first analysis it was 40 and in the second, 4 went on services and 5 came off…so it’s a pretty decent benchmark to say between 40 and 60 movies of the list are unavailable at any given time…and would still generally put “unavailable” in comfortable first- or second- place).  Scream Factory has even begun leaning into this fact, releasing a list while I write this of which of their releases are unavailable to stream totaling over 50 titles.  While it’s true that the vast majority of the 54 of this list’s unstreamables at time of last analysis are available via paid rental and digital purchase, 8 of them are not, 4% of the list and more than are actually available on some of the boutique/niche streaming services.  These are not just super obscure movies either.  The list is as follows: Dog Soldiers, Mute Witness, Shadow of the Vampire, Dead Alive, The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Martin, Island of Lost Souls, and the original Dawn of the Dead.  While some of this can be explained by the movies being in restoration or rights hell (like Dog Soldiers, Dawn of the Dead, and Dead Alive particularly), it’s still a bit scary when it’s not possible to see some of the best of the genre in any way at all.  In addition, the list includes streaming exclusives from Netflix, Shudder, Hulu, HBO Max, and others.  While some of the exclusive movies on those services are available on Blu-ray, many of them aren’t as Shudder is the only major service that seems to take physical releases remotely seriously.  If these services go away, some of these movies may vanish from memory too as many earlier made-for-tv movies have. Keep this in mind if, for instance, Netflix ever goes under and they still haven’t made the Fear Street trilogy available on legal physical media.  In short, the inability to be able to definitively say one can easily see a movie at any time, no matter the cost of doing so, lends value and importance to the continued existence of physical media.  This is hugely relevant as some companies continue to hoard their content within their streaming silos as an incentive to drive more subscriptions.

Value Can Be a Relative Term:  What’s the best pay option?  Well, after we move past the previously-mentioned strong performer AMC Plus at 43 after analysis 3, the next best is its partner and the least surprising answer…Shudder with 34 after analysis 1, 33 after analysis 2, and 40 after analysis 3.  Shudder being this high is no surprise given that horror is literally the entire reason the service exists.  It also is exclusive home to a few of the choices on the list such as Host and Prevenge.  The only other service apart from the five mentioned so far that cracks 30 movies from the list is Plex at 31, a service which only was capable of doing that in the January analysis.  After Plex, the next in line from the January analysis is another underdiscussed service that is also free:  Pluto, the free streaming service owned by ViacomCBS, at 25; it’s tied with Wal-Mart’s Vudu service and Fubo, an independent streaming service, at 24.  Finally, after all of these services we come to the big names with Roku at 22 as the only one above 20.  Every other major service falls in from that point on with some lesser-knowns in between: Redbox (19), Netflix (18), HBO Max (18), Fandor (16), Amazon Prime (14), Peacock (12), Midnight Pulp (11), Hulu (8), Epix (8), and Paramount (8).  I mention all of these in one lump because, generally speaking, their amounts are very similar.  They may slide ahead or behind each other at a given moment, but mostly, this is where they stand in one big pile.  For example, around Halloween, Peacock made a big deal in advertisements out of their horror offerings.  As a result, the numbers in September put them at 16.  Other similar services were higher at that point for the same reason as they prepped for Halloween including Prime at 21.  Shortly thereafter, however, some of the movies they acquired for the season left the services to be picked up by others.  This is why many of them slid down the scale or up the scale by a few movies by the time the analysis was rerun in January.  Regardless, however, none of these channels ever gains to a degree that puts them on par with the top 5.  Therefore, what’s the best thing to do with your money if you can only buy two services?  Well, after you’ve bought Shudder and signed up for the free services, it then boils down truly to what else you want.  Most of the other services have specific horror and nonhorror exclusives that would be more important to your decision.  This is to say nothing of the fact that Amazon Prime can (but doesn’t have to) include free shipping from the site.  In short, there is very little difference between the biggest non-Shudder pay streaming names.  If I had to pick a best of those, it would probably be Prime and only because of the shipping bonus and the fact that multiple other services can be added onto it through the Channels functionality including AMC Plus, Shudder, and HBO Max.  Hulu also has earned points for me by being the streaming home of some of the more recent fare that isn’t streamable yet anywhere else (though ads will be present in the cheapest plans).That being said, be warned that many of these services have a habit of raising their rates from time to time.

(Pricing may no longer be accurate in above photo)

Go Niche at Your Own Caution and Don’t Recreate Cable:  So that’s the big names.  That isn’t all though…see, in total, I looked at 51 streaming services.  Yes, there are really that many, that isn’t even all of them, and that’s something we need to talk about.  Here’s a small selection of other apps I looked at: Criterion, Arrow, Screambox, Crackle, Hi-Yah, Ovid, Film Detective, Night Flight, Dark Matter, and Classix.  Each of these services, no matter how small, costs something…and I reiterate…THIS IS NOT ALL OF THEM.  Now, some of these services (the bigger names and some of the midrange) have additional content to make it worth your while beyond horror.  Some of these definitely don’t.  An example of the latter I didn’t mention is that the services for both Troma and Full Moon exist.  Apart from being the primary streaming home for most of each company’s catalogs, each of those apps has precisely one movie from the list, and they aren’t even the same movie.  Troma costs $4.99 a month and Full Moon costs $6.99 a month.  On the other hand, an example of a service with additional non-horror content that is very niche is Criterion, a name known for sterling presentations of movies with critical and analytical fame.  Interestingly, though, while it showcases a respectable 14 movies after January analysis and many out-of-genre movies that have critical and analytical acclaim…it costs $9.99 a month which is a dollar fifty more than the cheapest HBO Max subscription and four dollars more than the cheapest Hulu plan (which has ads)!  I point all of this out to say that there are absolutely reasons to get niche services, especially if you buy many of a company’s physical releases or believe in their particular selection of movies and style.  However, be aware of how much you are spending combined on them given you aren’t necessarily getting as many movies as you would for the same or less on another service.  Also, again, be aware of price increases that can occur with little warning.  It’s entirely possible to cut cords to avoid the pricing of cable….and then end up accidentally spending more than you would have for cable in doing so.

CONCLUSIONS:

So, overall, it is probably an overstatement to say that streaming will completely destroy physical or theatrical.  As of this writing, many of the companies that banked so hard on digital releases of major movies have backed off on it, particularly HBO Max.  Disney+ still does a blend of theatrical and same day streaming that has worked well for them but they have backed off of threats to not make their movies available in physical releases anymore.  That isn’t to say, however, that streaming doesn’t present problems.  The sheer volume of streaming services can easily become overwhelming, especially to one’s wallet.  In addition, while it is possible that streaming service-exclusive movies may end up receiving physical releases, it’s by no means certain, definitely not the norm.  The catalogs of streaming services can also change from month-to-month making it challenging to stream the movie you want to see when you want to see it.  I know that I am also not the only horror fan who has an extensive list of movies they own that are not streamable anywhere, for one reason or another, and I hope that such a state does not lead to people forgetting some of the cult classics or lesser-known gems as time goes on.  That being said, streaming is still beneficial to any movie fan and especially horror fans when done correctly.  It’s important to remember that, if you can handle a few ads or get a library card, free services like Tubi, Kanopy, and Hoopla can provide more quality horror choices than many more famous services.  Also, Shudder is well known as the biggest name horror streaming site for a reason and is very affordable compared to some of the bigger streaming names.  It’s also well worth any horror fan’s time to sign up for some form of streaming if they can even if they love physical media as streaming services can give you a chance to preview lesser-known releases whether they be new or a forgotten classic released by a boutique distributor like Vinegar Syndrome, Synapse, or Severin.  Then, once you know if you like the movie or not, you can support physical as well by buying the disc release to have the ability to see it whether your service of choice is hosting it or not as well as the ability to see the associated special features.  Neither streaming nor physical is the perfect solution.  Using them responsibly in tandem, however, we can make sure that the genre we know and love survives and thrives through future generations.

Experiment T1: Investigations Into Cinematic Propaganda, aka Trailer War (2012)

CATALYSTS:

The Programmers of The Alamo Drafthouse

 

REAGENTS:
Infra-Man                                                                                                                                Argoman, The Fantastic Superman                                                                                                Mr. No Legs                                                                                                                                          The Tongfather                                                                                                                              Rabbi Jacob                                                                                                                                          The Scaremaker                                                                                                                                  Idi Amin…sort of                                                                                                                        Amazing Grace                                                                                                                                  And, of course, MITCHELL!

 

REACTION:

Alongside their cinematic releases like The ABCs of Death and their home-video releases of classics like Ms. 45 and The Visitor; newer indie favorites like Cheap Thrills, A Field in England, The FP, and The Invitation; and forgotten slices of insanity like Roar (made with real actors and real lions) and Miami Connection (yes, they initiated the rediscovery of that good-bad movie obsession), the Alamo Drafthouse’s film distribution company Drafthouse Films also took a crack at presenting a taste of some of the craziness they and the American Genre Film Archive have found amongst their film reels.

 

HYPOTHESIS:

Sometimes the best, most accurate way to describe a trailer compilation is indescribable.  And sometimes that is a very good thing.

 

OBSERVATIONS:

The movie trailer is a lost art.  While every genre owes a debt to the 2-3 minute advertisements designed to condense a film down to its best moments to get butts in seats, the redheaded-stepchildren of cinema, namely the horror, exploitation, sexploitation, action, and martial arts genres (and the other “ploitations” too numerous to name) are especially linked with these short snippets of cinematic joy.  While any multi-million-dollar blockbuster can have a trailer, the less-respected genres need to go a little further, a few extra miles, to catch the eye and get the ticket dollars.  This is the reason they never make trailer compilations of the best romantic comedy trailers, the best comedy trailers, or the trailers for all the Best Picture winners… but there will always be a market for a new trailer compilation disc showcasing the crazier side of celluloid.  Some call them great party discs, saying that they’re awesome to put on as background noise at an event… but sometimes the trailers are far more entertaining to just watch than a movie itself ever will be.

I wouldn’t call myself an expert on these, but I most certainly AM an aficionado.  When I used to attend 35mm marathons of classic horror and exploitation, half the fun was always the random classic trailers the programmers played in between.  So in this new subseries of experiments (note the T in the experiment number, for “trailer”), I’m going to be deep-diving into my many, MANY trailer compilations to shed light on the subtle differences between the compilations to help you, the discerning teaser/trailer consumer, pick out the sets that fit your needs (a specialization I’ve seen far too little of online).  Some are easy to grab while others are out of print.  Some are promotional discs put out by movie releasing companies while others were first seen on VHS tapes and date back to the 80s (sometimes only being available on the tapes or quasi-legitimate DVD bootlegs), saw release in the age of DVD, or have even been blessed with the crystal clarity of Blu-ray.  Some come from America while others originally saw release in England or Australia.  Can you find some of these trailers online?  Sure can… but just like the inability to find every movie you want on a single streaming service, almost never all of them.  Is there trailer overlap sometimes?  Sure, but there’s always something new and different somewhere in each of them.  This isn’t a “star-rating” kind of review series either … more of an informational exploration of the options within this subgenre.

TODAY our selection is Trailer War, a 2012/2013 release available from the Drafthouse Films website on DVD for $10 and on Blu-ray for prices ranging from about $20-$35 depending on which site you’re looking at (eBay/Amazon for instance.  It’s out of print on the Drafthouse site).  With many other collections, it’s pretty easy to give a general idea of what’s present…Drive-In movies, 80s horror films, assorted grindhouse movies that might play on 42^nd Street, Ozploitation, Kung-Fu, Blacksploitation, and so forth.  With Trailer War… not so much.  Instead, what we have is best described as just under two hours of trailers for the most interesting, insane, indescribable movies imaginable.  In essence, the trailer compilation exists to be a sampler of the kinds of movies the Alamo Drafthouse/Drafthouse Films and the American Genre Film Archive love to show off to the world. As an example of this, as I write this in the middle of the national pandemic, the Alamo Drafthouse is advertising their virtual theater service in which people can buy tickets to be able to stream digital selections.  This includes a service they are running alongside the AGFA in which they resurrect their infamous Terror Tuesday and Weird Wednesday screenings.  The movies they’re showing as part of that?  Well Weird Wednesday is beginning with a restoration of the 1973 movie Godmonster of Indian Flats (it’s about a giant mutant sheep terrorizing farmers) … and Terror Tuesday is kicking off with the 1982 Hong Kong film Centipede Horror in which a wizard makes women vomit up live centipedes.  So… while those two films aren’t in this compilation, that type of film should tell you how obscure and how off-the-wall things can get.

It would spoil the joy of discovery to describe too many of the 46 trailers present in this set.  But I can at least hit on some particularly memorable moments.  So look into picking up this set if any of the following spark your interest:

• The kick-off trailer on the set for Brian Trenchard-Smith’s Stunt Rock, a 1978 movie that is the rare example of a movie looking like nothing but a cavalcade of insane stunts and epic rock music…and that description actually being correct about the final film and its music which is so good they use it over the blu-ray menu montage.
• The trailer for the 1979 martial-arts film Eunuch of the Western Palace that decides it really, really wants to shows you how it got that title…explicitly.
• The trailer for Partners, the forgotten 1982 John Hurt-Ryan O’Neil buddy cop movie about the duo investigating murders in the gay community undercover that quite literally could NEVER be made today for exactly the reasons you’re probably thinking.
• The trailer for 1978’s Mr. No Legs, a movie in which cops face off with a drug kingpin and his henchman…in a wheelchair…who has shotguns where his legs should be that honestly sounds like I’m making it up and that’s before I point out it was directed by one of the actors who played the Creature From the Black Lagoon!
• The trailer for the 1975 MST3K Icon … MITCHELL!
• The trailer for the 1982 slasher The Scaremaker (aka Girls’ Nite Out) featuring one of the all-time strangest killer costumes and murder weapons.

That’s just six!  There’s still 39 other trailers (and one interstitial rating ad) that run the literal gamut from martial arts to Blaxploitation to sexploitation to 80s sexy comedies to slashers to horror to giallo to science fiction…and yet somehow MORE.  The flow of the set is strong with the trailers curated for maximum excitement.  The set is most definitely not organized by subgenre but still works because those organizing the set understand how the trailers they’ve chosen flow into each other to make whole work as a sum of its parts. While my copy is on Blu-ray, that doesn’t make the trailers glossy or overproduced.  Instead, Drafthouse decided to use the technology to make sure the trailers are clear but still retain both their filmic look and enough of their original imperfections and age that it feels like they just unspooled way back when.  The audio is also exactly as it should be:  clear but not Dolby Surround level pristine.

In terms of special features, Trailer War is a bit of a rare breed given many trailer compilations are lucky to have any special features at all.  First, the disc features an excellent, informative, and well-timed (i.e. comments on one movie are usually roughly complete when the next trailer starts) commentary by programmers Lars Nilsen and Zack Carlson.  The duo present appropriate thoughts on every film which is vital on a set where the viewer is likely to have seen few to none of the films or trailers featured before (especially given a few are in foreign languages). Up next is a 17-minute plus interview with director Joe Dante (Gremlins and The Howling).  Dante is especially well-versed in trailers and talks about his years cutting trailers for Corman as well as trailers in general.  Few directors are more expert on the subject given Dante also is the creator of Trailers from Hell, the webseries that features directors providing commentary over the trailers of other directors’ films.  This is followed by a roughly four-and-a-half-minute featurette in which Lars Nilsen gives a tour of the American Genre Film Archives and talks about the work they do in film preservation and restoration.  The disc is then rounded-out with a selection of trailers for Drafthouse releases and, in one of the oddest special features ever, an easily findable Easter Egg on the special features menu that leads to approximately seven minutes from what is called a “mysterious reel labeled only ‘Untitled Nude Clips’” that seems to be… exactly what it says it is from a selection of bizarre Mexican/Spanish films.

Overall, Trailer War is one of the more well-rounded trailer compilations while also being one of the more obscure.  It functions as an excellent primer on how crazy exploitation and trailers can get… as well as a reminder of how easy it is for these films to get lost to time.  I tend to think I know at least a bit about some of the more obscure movies out there, so this set gets bonus points simply for the fact that I legitimately hadn’t seen the trailers for (or in many cases even heard of) c a large chunk of what’s featured here.  The special features are also all excellent.  In terms of weaknesses, while the commentary helps explain the few foreign language trailers and they are an interesting and unique difference when compared to other sets, having them appear almost randomly amongst the group of English language trailers is a bit jarring.  In addition, while I can appreciate the organization of the trailers on the set, some (myself included at times) may more prefer more focused sets or sets that feature their subgenres in clearly defined groups.

In short:

Pros:

Obscurity and variety                                                                                                                  Special Features (especially the audio commentary)                                                              Flow of trailers is never boring

Cons:

Foreign language trailers can be problematic without audio commentary                            While flow works for set, some may prefer a slight bit more organization and focus

Overall, Trailer War is highly recommended for those who want a compilation that is a little more offbeat and filled with selections not normally found on compilations such as these.  If you’re looking for more structure or a group of genre trailer classics, it may not fit your bill.

Next time I tackle another trove of trailers, I’ll be taking a look at a far more recent series of compilations that run the gamut of both themes and overall compilation lengths.

(Posters seen throughout this review are posters for actual movies whose trailers are featured in this collection)

 

 

Experiment B2: Continued Behavioral Studies of Trauma Sufferers, AKA Hack/Slash: Omnibus 2

(NOTE: If you haven’t already have seen the review of Omnibus 1, please proceed there for the Observations section for some background)

CATALYSTS:

Tim Seeley (Writer) and Way More Designers, Writers, and Artists Than I Could Feasibly List Here 

REAGENTS:
Cassie Hack                                                                                                                                      Vlad                                                                                                                                            Assorted villains including but not limited to: A lunch lady slasher, a demonic rock and roll slasher, a disgraced beauty queen slasher, a tin man (think Wizard of Oz) slasher, a slasher made out of electricity, Chucky (yes, that Chucky), and Herbert West (yes, that Herbert West)

REACTION:

Following the full-blown psychotic breakdown of her mother into a supernatural child murderer, Cassie Hack is forced to commit matricide to stop the reign of terror.  Now left alone (as her father had abandoned them previously), Cassie devotes herself to strength training and research.  Years later, she now finds herself hunting down and murdering supernatural slashers as a gun-for-hire alongside the misunderstood monster Vlad, a brutal, hulking giant with a heart of gold.  As she continues her quest to protect the world from the slashers that threaten it, however, she may find herself grappling with the past she thought she left behind.

HYPOTHESIS:

Having an ongoing story helps slasher movies, does having one make a slasher comic a little bit better?

OBSERVATIONS:

(For other background observations, please see the review of Omnibus 1)

The thing about Hack/Slash is, while it has quite a few problems (and we’ll get to that), there’s a good idea at its core and stories that work better than others.  So, given that there are 20 stories between these two volumes and that I have a tried and tested method of reviewing 20-plus item long things from the olden days of reviewing the ABCs of Death movies, we’re gonna do this the old-fashioned way with 20 capsule reviews, each scored 0 (weak), 0.5 (average), and 1 (strong).  Then we tally the results and see how close we get to 20.  I’ll also be doing this solo (as I didn’t want to subject Frequency X to this experiment), and I’ll also be doing this in two parts with this intro leading into each of them.  Let’s continue:

OMNIBUS 2:

The second Hack/Slash Omnibus contains 11 stories that encompass issues #1-17 of the officially numbered Hack/Slash comic series as well as the “Murder/Suicide” annual special.  The series began in May 2007, releasing from Devil’s Due Publishing.  The omnibuses themselves were eventually released by Image as Devil’s Due had financial difficulties, and Tim Seeley moved the series to them during the troubles.  My hope going into this second omnibus was that, being the ongoing series, the art would be more consistent and the stories would be more interesting.  As mentioned previously, some of the slashers and stories in the previous omnibus are still important here as they provide context for how certain events happen and why they’re important.

1)  “Gross Anatomy” (aka Issue 1)

Cassie, having been captured by a skinned, sadist slasher, is tortured while he psychoanalyzes her and has her explain the story of her past.  Vlad, meanwhile, hunts for his missing partner.

What better way to start a series than to literally have Cassie, via flashback under duress, explain how she became a slasher hunter, what happened to her mom, and how she met Vlad.  The story succeeds in its telling of Cassie’s past and in the humanity and vulnerability Cassie is allowed to show (while still also coming across as the asskicker she’s supposed to be).  Its biggest flaw is that the killer in it is never drawn detailed enough or presented as anything more than the conduit through which the backstory is presented.  However, it feels like he was never intended to be that important to the story which is why it still works in spite of that.  I will also point out here that, as predicted apart from a flaw here or there like the not as detailed killer here, the much more consistent art style of the numbered series greatly helps the success of Omnibus 2 as a whole.

Overall rating: 1 out of 1

 

2)  “Shout at the Devil” (aka Issues 2-4)

Acid Washed, a cruddy rock band, sells their souls to eldritch beings via a shady promoter to gain fame and fortune via sacrifice of virgins.  Vlad and Cassie try to find the band without becoming victims themselves.

A few elements in this story call back to the first omnibus…some of the prior victims they’ve saved are now introduced as living together after the fact and helping them find cases.  This story also introduces an element that, depending on the story, feels well-handled or gratuitous: the idea that Cassie might be bisexual or lesbian as brought out by her new recurring stripper friend Georgia.  In this case, it’s handled competently.  However, it’s abundantly clear about half to two-thirds of the way in what this story actually is.  This story is a vehicle for unneeded comic elements with Vlad (because VIRGINITY IS HILARIOUS) and an excuse to dress up Cassie and Georgia in as little as possible for a fetish-baiting sequence involving a battle with a tentacled Lovecraftian monstrosity.  It’s also yet another instance of Vlad saving Cassie and kicking the villains’ asses while Cassie is somehow incapacitated and can’t do enough to save herself no matter how hard she tries.  The interesting idea behind the promoter’s backstory and the strange alien dog that will recur after this aren’t enough to rescue this one.

Overall rating: 0 out of 1

 

3)  “Love Stories” (aka Issue 5)

A series of convergent stories discussing the burgeoning relationship between Chris and Laura (two people working with Vlad and Cassie), the sacrifices Cassie is willing to make for Vlad to keep him safe, and a researcher in a top secret facility who’s experimenting on the remains of the pin-up model-turned-scientist from Slice Hard.

This story is one of the benefits of an ongoing series when handled correctly:  a filler story that provides backstory and character development while setting the stage for future events.  As such, all three stories are effective and well-written.  The weakest of the three is the scientist’s story on a pure “what the hell are you doing” trope level that strains believability.  Next strongest is Chris and Laura in that it is admirable that the duo isn’t just thrown together “because”; there are reasons now.  Finally, the Cassie and Vlad bit is easily the best and shows them as comrades in arms, teammates, and most importantly, caring friends.

Overall rating: 1 out of 1

  

4)  “Double Date” (aka Issue 6)

A series of victims killed with a giant cross point to the return of one of their old foes as Cassie and Vlad investigate a series of killings in the most Americana of Americana towns.

Purely and simply, everything that “Girls Gone Dead” in Omnibus 1 does wrong with a slasher like this, “Double Date” does right.  The art style is a stroke of genius as it briefly begins in normal art before switching for the majority of its length into an homage to Archie comics.  The dichotomy of Archie’s “gee-whiz” sensibility clashing with the violent, bloody, sexual, slasher style of this series makes for a perfect pairing.  The only real flaws in the story are that the slasher isn’t given as much room to shine as he was in “Girls Gone Dead” and that Cassie, once again, finds herself incapacitated and out of the story in the lead up to the climax meaning that Vlad has to shoulder the load by himself again.  Thankfully the story is fun enough this time to make up for it.

Overall rating: 1 out of 1

5)  “Tub Club” (aka Issues 7-9)

The “trailer” from “Trailers” gets a full-length as Cassie and Vlad’s investigation of strange corpses that are just skin shells leads them to a women’s college and a late-night pseudo-sorority’s strange rituals.

The big issue with the Hack/Slash series always tends to be that they can’t strike a balance between the good and the bad.  In this story, Cassie and Vlad’s relationship experiences tension (handled well) over Cassie’s friendship with Georgia from Issue 4.  This friendship causes Cassie to question her sexuality and debate what she really feels about Georgia (handled mediocrely).  This also leads her into an astonishingly elaborate blood cult involving nearly-naked or naked lesbians and half-human monsters, hot tubs, lip service to Elizabeth Bathory, and the continuation/conclusion of the setup in “Love Stories” (handled exactly as poorly as you’d expect).  The core conflict in the story feels so cheesy and exploitative it consumes all the good in the story (Cassie being heavily active in the final fight, Vlad getting a badass role in the conclusion, the secret government organization subplot, and so forth).  Put succinctly, the originality and uniqueness of “Double Date” leading directly into this formulaic, oversexed garbage is pretty much the quintessential picture of the low points this inconsistent series can hit.

Overall rating: 0 out of 1

6)  “Little Children” (aka Issue 10)

The revelations about Cassie’s past that are bubbling up lead the duo to Montana where they investigate a reclusive scientist and his disturbing behavioral experiments on a band of feral children.

The emotional core that makes Volume 2 better than Volume 1 is the ongoing story of Cassie trying to find her father, an element that begins to take center stage here to excellent effect.  The chemistry between Cassie and Vlad as they struggle to deal with how to stop a decidedly different villain is compelling and heartbreaking.  Easily one of the best in the volume.

Overall rating: 1 out of 1

 

7)  “The Coldest Dish” (aka Issue 11)

In an odd blend of storylines, a psychic is called on to investigate what Cassie and Vlad left behind while Cassie and Vlad’s associates are asked to hunt down a strange alien dog and Cassie and Vlad themselves find themselves looking for a vigilante slasher with one eye out for revenge on those who wronged him.  Oh, and Cassie is continuing to debate and agonize over her on-again, off-again Georgia feelings.

Another good story here, if one that is very much filler to move storylines forward.  Of everything shown, the alien dog storyline is probably weakest just because Cassie and Vlad’s friends aren’t nearly as interesting as the duo themselves.  The core story of the vigilante slasher, his motives, and how they affect Cassie and Vlad is excellent.

Overall rating: 1 out of 1

8)  “Murder/Suicide” (aka Hack/Slash Annual)

Cassie joins forces with famed internet alt-model group the Suicide Girls in an attempt to find the killer murdering their models through the internet.

And so we arrive at a moment that brought the series a lot of publicity:  the story in which real models were brought into the series as characters while Cassie herself was drawn naked for a Suicide Girls pictorial (not included here but alluded to in story).  Tim Seeley, the writer, pops up as penciler for the first time in this volume (might be meaningless, but interesting timing…the art is serviceable but a series of interviews he’s given saying he has years of experience looking at naked women begs the question “why this story?”).  This is also the story with the most nudity though, to be fair, it should be said that that doesn’t necessarily doom any story.  Here though, the idea is sensible… but it’s also derivative of the Chucky crossover to the point that Cassie lampshades it by telling Vlad not to touch the killer to avoid “another Chucky situation”.  The core of the problem is that the story is never good enough to raise itself up beyond being wish-fulfillment cheesecake.  As horrible as Tub Club is, at least its plot is fleshed out.  Here, Cassie meets disposable Suicide Girls with minimal personality and then must fight to save them.  The tale, much like beauty at times, is all surface, no substance.

Overall rating: 0 out of 1

 

9)  “Interlude” (aka pieces of Issues 12 and 13)

Cassie has a bizarre dream after eating dairy, life with the alien dog proves more challenging than Cassie’s friends bargain for, the psychic decides to report what she’s been seeing, and a mysterious man in Wisconsin has given some people money to dig up the grave of the last person Cassie wants to see.

“The Coldest Dish” may be primarily filler with an interesting plot, but “Interlude” is nothing but filler.  While an argument could be made that this adds a bit of backstory to where things presently are in timeline, mostly the series spins its wheels here and churns out nothing of any real consequence. In addition, according to the table of the contents, this is not the entirety of the story of Issues 12 and 13, only parts of it.  The full story involves a slasher targeting environmentalists (apparently it’s part of a crossover), and its absence could explain why the story feels like nothing happens.  Pass.

Overall rating: 0 out of 1

 

10)  “Over the Rainbow” (aka Issue 14)

Cassie and Vlad are called into action by Georgia to investigate slayings on the set of a Wizard of Oz remake by a Tin Man slasher.  Meanwhile, the psychic having visions of Cassie’s battles begins telling her story to the police, and a man named Gordon Stuart (ha) goes to check with a Mr. Lazarus (and his glowing green reagent) to see about the body from “Interlude”.

This story is hard to pin down.  The tin man slasher has some interesting and bizarre techniques but is kind of forgotten after this story is over, a one-and-done that doesn’t leave much impact.  Cassie and Georgia’s relationship is given a welcome chance to grow after she ends up in the Tin Man’s crosshairs by accident.  Finally, the reveal of Mr. Lazarus is an admirable surprise…but doesn’t distract from the fact that this story is yet more filler that, while not as dishwater dull as “Interlude”, doesn’t have as much power behind it as “Coldest Dish” either.  Merely average.

Overall rating: 0.5 out of 1

11)  “Cassie and Vlad Meet the Re-Animator” (aka Issues 15-17)

The background events of much of this omnibus come to a head as the full identity of Gordon Stuart and his relationship to Cassie are revealed when Stuart begins working as an assistant on Dr. West’s (it’s not a spoiler because come on) newest experiment.  The experiment directly impacts Cassie and will force her to decide if she’s ready to move on from some of her personal demons.

Because this miniseries (like the Chucky one in the first omnibus) is one of the best parts of the omnibus, I’ll start by briefly covering the negative:  namely that the artwork for the three issues is inconsistent given the use of two different pencillers.  Most of the stories in this omnibus use only one penciller (good or bad), and the switch in this one is jarring partway through the tale. That’s not to say the art here is, bad… quite the opposite, it’s handled very well… but the switch between the two artists is still definitely visible. Beyond that, though, this tale is excellent and filled with plenty of development for Cassie, a very appropriately handled West, a well-crafted story, and a bit of the gallows humor that is present in the actual films.  Truly, the only heartbreaking disappointment in the tale is the ending stinger of West being asked to go help the President, sadly reminding us of the likely never-to-made one-time Re-Animator sequel idea House of Re-Animator.

Overall rating: 1 out of 1

 

Total Score: 6.5 out of 11 (roughly 3 out of 5) 

Combined Final Score of Both Omnibus: 11.5 out of 20 (2.5 to 3 out of 5)

 

So where does that leave us with the first Hack/Slash omnibuses in the end?  In a way, exactly where an average slasher leaves us.  It has stories and that are useless fluff or exploitative nonsense…just like an actual slasher might have a weaker kill, a pointless/unlikable character, or gratuitous nudity (for the record I have no real problem with gratuitous nudity but when entire 30-40 page stories seem to exist to just be an excuse for it, those individual stories can get tiresome and grating).  It also has some inventive slashers and stories just like a slasher might have unique kills or engaging character backstories for either the killer or their victims.  Personally, I’d have preferred if Cassie, who is supposed to have fought all these slashers over time, didn’t seem to often fall into the same pitfalls that would claim the lives of a non-survivor.  However, I do see the appeal of the idea and appreciate some of the directions the episodic story in particular takes as it unfolds as well as the stabilized, better art seen as the tale progresses.  Overall, while going any further with the series isn’t something I’m interested in, I get how it appeals to some and can understand why they tried to make a movie out of it.  Sadly it seems studio politics, development hell, and the Hollywood machine are all killers Cassie just hasn’t been able to vanquish.

Experiment B1: Behavioral Studies of Trauma Sufferers, aka Hack/Slash: Omnibus 1

Note:  My apologies for vanishing for this past year.  Frequency X and myself moved to a new, larger laboratory to continue our research.  That was a considerable delay as was the fact that I am a person who will see an experiment through to the end and thus had to fit in reading, cover-to-cover, both of the omnibus editions we’ll be examining over this post and the next alongside my daily life.  That’s 26 issues overall and 20 capsule reviews.  Hopefully I’ll be able to conduct experiments a bit more frequently going forward without this hanging over my head (once every couple of weeks or so for instance).

 

 

CATALYSTS:

Tim Seeley (Writer) and Way More Designers, Writers, and Artists Than I Could Feasibly List Here 

REAGENTS:
Cassie Hack                                                                                                                                      Vlad                                                                                                                                            Assorted villains including but not limited to: A lunch lady slasher, a demonic rock and roll slasher, a disgraced beauty queen slasher, a tin man (think Wizard of Oz) slasher, a slasher made out of electricity, Chucky (yes, that Chucky), and Herbert West (yes, that Herbert West)

REACTION:

Following the full-blown psychotic breakdown of her mother into a supernatural child murderer, Cassie Hack is forced to commit matricide to stop the reign of terror.  Now left alone (as her father had abandoned them previously), Cassie devotes herself to strength training and research.  Years later, she now finds herself hunting down and murdering supernatural slashers as a gun-for-hire alongside the misunderstood monster Vlad, a brutal, hulking giant with a heart of gold.  As she continues her quest to protect the world from the slashers that threaten it, however, she may find herself grappling with the past she thought she left behind.

HYPOTHESIS:

Just because you’ve watched a slasher movie doesn’t always mean you understand what makes them great.

OBSERVATIONS:

One of the reasons I wanted to start reviewing again on my terms was that it gave me freedom.  In addition to my plan to try to primarily focus on obscure or forgotten things that are kicking around my collection, eventually I’m planning to also start reviewing TV series, trailer compilations, and something I’m going to be doing today that I previously did rarely, books.  Books, of course, take longer to review properly, so they will still be rare experiments but are definitely something I’m hoping to do more of from time to time.

Today’s experiment is at least five years in the works (the copyright on Volume 1 is 2011, 2010 on Volume 2… but I know I didn’t get them right when they came out).  I really wish I could remember what review I read that possessed me to think I had to get hold of the comic series Hack/Slash.  I remember thinking after I got them (besides that I’d read them eventually as the years dragged on and on) that they were about a kick-ass female protagonist fighting back against slasher villains.  My interpretation was that she was a professional final-girl, so to speak, a very interesting concept if done right.  It wasn’t my intention all those years ago to ever write reviews of it but that’s kind of the way these things work out sometimes.  It’s oddly appropriate that happened that way because, whether I thought that way at the start or not, I know when I sat down to finally read these, I was excited because I was sure these books would be respectful of the genre.  I was also sure that these books had had glowing reviews from everyone!  There are even pull-quotes on the back of that nature!  I also hoped that Cassie would be handled as a capable, proactive female lead…you know, like a final girl.  As the back of Omnibus 1 says, “The Slasher Victim Slashes Back!”.

After reading the first story or two, I realized something I didn’t fully grasp back then but I sure do know now:  always check the source of the pull quote.  I’ve almost never trusted Ain’t It Cool News for movie reviews nor do I think 2008-era Fangoria was 100% worth my time (the following year they would completely lose me by putting a vampire from Twilight New Moon on the cover).  I don’t even know what the heck ProjectFanboy.com, ReviewBusters, or ComicPants is…so their positive reviews are pretty meaningless in the grand scheme at least to me.  What matters is what I thought when I finally read them.

The thing about Hack/Slash is, while it has quite a few problems (and we’ll get to that), there’s a good idea at its core and stories that work better than others.  So, given that there are 20 stories between these two volumes and that I have a tried and tested method of reviewing 20-plus item long things from the olden days of reviewing the ABCs of Death movies, we’re gonna do this the old-fashioned way with 20 capsule reviews, each scored 0 (weak), 0.5 (average), and 1 (strong).  Then we tally the results and see how close we get to 20.  I’ll also be doing this solo (as I didn’t want to subject Frequency X to this experiment), and I’ll also be doing this in two parts with this intro leading into each of them.  Let’s begin:

OMNIBUS 1:

The first Hack/Slash Omnibus contains 9 “one-shot” stories and miniseries that are not part of a general numbering system (i.e. there isn’t a Hack/Slash #1 in this volume).  These stories pretty much all came before the actual numbered series kicked off and date from 2004-2007, releasing from Devil’s Due Publishing.  The omnibuses themselves were eventually released by Image as Devil’s Due had financial difficulties, and Tim Seeley moved the series to them during the troubles.

1) “Euthanized”

Cassie Hack’s backstory is briefly covered before she and Vlad go toe-to-toe with a ghoulish veterinary assistant and his army of reanimated animals.

Easily one of the best-drawn stories in the first omnibus and a strong start to the series.  Generally, one of the highlights of the overall series is the relationship between Cassie and Vlad, and it’s impressive that that element is handled so well at this early point.  The villain is also unique and well-handled.  I will point out that, utterly pointlessly, Cassie has a shower scene that gets as close as possible to nudity without actually being nudity at the end.  Given what the whole series pays tribute to, it still fits… this time.

Overall rating: 1 out of 1 

 

2) “Girls Gone Dead”

Cassie and Vlad head to Spring Break where they hunt for Father Wrath, a golem-esque priest with a giant bludgeoning cross hellbent on punishing sinners.

THIS time on the other hand, we find a story so saturated in unnecessary cheesecake shots it distracts from the story, ending up feeling bland and overlong.  I get that this story takes place at Spring Break, but that doesn’t mean certain events need to almost always happen while people are undressing.  In addition, if Cassie is supposed to be the ultimate final girl, she shouldn’t easily end up letting her guard down to the point she ends up drunk unwillingly and exploring same-sex tendencies (not the last time that will happen).  While it makes her feel realistic in that she makes mistakes, it also somewhat takes away from her aura as an unbeatable slasher-killer.  The art also takes a turn for the bland.  The slasher being great and well-handled doesn’t fix how much this doesn’t feel like the Cassie Hack we just had in the first story.

Overall rating: 0 out of 1 

 

3) “Comic Book Carnage”

Cassie and Vlad are at Comic Con hunting for a mystery serial killer targeting con-goers and comic book artists.  Features appearances by such comic names as Steve Niles and Robert Kirkman.

The art is still just as dull and lifeless this time around, but the story is much more unique.  The killer (who I won’t spoil anything about here) is one of the more unique ideas I’ve ever heard for a slasher and the story seems to strike a good balance between respect for comics fans and taking shots at them as well.  Unfortunately, the story is dragged down by Cassie again being incapacitated through a chunk of the tale (though way less than in “Girls Gone Dead”), a joke involving an independent horror film about breast implants that doesn’t strike that respect balance I just mentioned, and the appearances from comics heavyweights that add quite little to the overall story other than “hey look, it’s ____”.  But hey, it’s better than that last one!

Overall rating: 0.5 out of 1

 

 

4) “Hack/Slash vs. Evil Ernie”

Cassie and Vlad do battle with Evil Ernie, another Devil’s Due comic character (through a series of purchases and acquisitions) who’s a telepathic undead killer teaming up with an equally-deranged smiley face button.  COMICS, EVERYBODY!

The art in this story is completely different from every other story because it is drawn in the style of the Evil Ernie comics.  This style actually works to the story’s benefit as it feels edgier and darker than the more clean-looking art of the prior two stories.  The story itself, while it starts slow and awkward, builds well.  I may have joked a bit about what Evil Ernie actually is, but the story is very compelling as Evil Ernie is drawn to Cassie’s past, falling in love with her and becoming obsessed with claiming her for eternity.  Unfortunately, the story just kind of… ends without much closure and really feels more like build for a future Evil Ernie story that I don’t believe ever happened.  It’s that missed opportunity (and that obnoxious smiley button) that force me to rank it lower.  But I respect the story for taking risks.

Overall rating: 0.5 out of 1

On the Left:  The Cover.  On the Right: The art inside….

5) “Land of Lost Toys”

Cassie and Vlad hunt a child-killing slasher through dreams and nightmares (no, not that one).

As tends to be the case many times, the story here is interesting but the art lets everything else down.  Sizes of characters are off and the overall look feels significantly less professional.  Thankfully, the turns the story takes, the options and freedom given by the rubber reality/dreamworld settings, and Cassie’s strategy during the final battle and reactions to it (as Vlad can’t really help her much this time by necessity) lift it up over some of the lesser brethren.

Overall rating: 1 out of 1

 

6) “Trailers”

In a selection of shorts, Cassie and Vlad fight a series of slashers.

What exactly is the point of this?  We have a callback to the comic con story that goes nowhere. We have a battle between Cassie, Vlad, and some Japanese slashers in which Cassie just can’t possibly be drawn without upskirt.  We have Vlad and Cassie at an women’s college getting wrapped up in a hot tub secret society and Bathory story that is actually a preview of one of the most pointlessly exploitative stories in the next volume.  There’s Cassie and Vlad in space, Cassie and Vlad versus a telepathic killer taking out celebrities, and Cassie and Vlad versus a monster shark.  The art varies wildly from “trailer” to “trailer”, never misses an opportunity to show Cassie’s ass, and always stops before actual action because they’re “trailers”.  Trailers are supposed to make you want to see the movie.  These do nothing of the sort.

Overall rating: 0 out of 1 possible

 

7) “Slashing Through the Snow”

Cassie and Vlad tackle a Christmas slasher.

This short but brilliant tale done in the style of a classic, rhyming Christmas story (right down to the art style) is an excellent and fun riff on a type of slasher that’s been done fairly often.  I wish I had more to say about it, but, for as good as it is, its biggest weakness is it’s precisely 4 pages long.

Overall rating: 1 out of 1

 

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FAAAAACE?

8) “Slice Hard”

Cassie and Vlad find themselves drawn into a secret organization devoted to capturing slashers who wish to harness their regenerative, unkillable properties for possible use in medical and cosmetic advancement.

This is as good a time as any to mention that the stories in Omnibus 1, while self-contained, have a tendency to show up again in the series proper that starts in Omnibus 2.  As such, this story (which is crucial to a big chunk of that series) needs to hit it out of the park.  Sadly, it just doesn’t. The art is terrible featuring some of the most poorly drawn faces in the series so far.  The story just feels stale since it’s predicated on the old chestnut of science causing another problem by being shortsighted.  Finally, pretty much every interesting slasher the story creates is gone after this story save one.  That may be a way to wipe most of the board clean for the series proper but it robs the story of much real impact (save that one remaining slasher and the overall concept of the organization).  The only thing that stops me from giving it a 0 is that Cassie and Vlad fighting the slashers themselves is done well.  Everything else just feels useless.

Overall rating: 0.5 out of 1

 

 

 

9) “Hack/Slash vs. Chucky”

After a returning slasher tricks Cassie and Vlad into a trap and switches bodies with Vlad using Chucky’s amulet, Cassie has to reluctantly join forces with the demonic doll to return Vlad to his normal body.

If ever a story in this book more clearly showed the missed opportunities that run rampant in this series, it’s this one.  We have an excellent return of a slasher who was the only good part of her one-shot story earlier in the book, a story that makes an appearance by Chucky logical and sensible, an on-point portrayal of Chucky, and an arc that showcases well the relationship of Cassie and Vlad and how much they care for her.  All of that, as brilliant as it is…slips because of one scene that is totally unneeded.  As part of the story, Cassie is told to go to see a voodoo priest in Louisiana for information.  Setting aside the fact that I’m a notorious stickler about bad portrayals of New Orleans having been born there, this sequence is grotesque.  The voodoo priest ends up tricking Cassie, spraying her with a Serpent and the Rainbow-esque (they actually say this in the book) chemical that lets her brain feel but be unable to move her body or control anything.  This voodoo priest then proceeds to get on top of her and appears to be moments from a completely gratuitous sexual assault…when CHUCKY OF ALL PEOPLE saves Cassie.  So, let’s recap all the problems this scene has apart from the attempted assault itself.  1) After multiple stories where Vlad has to save Cassie because of a mistake she makes, Cassie makes a mistake again when Vlad can’t possibly save her.  This is a fact only made worse by the fact that, 2) She’s saved by Chucky.  I get he’s playing both sides of the field here trying to get his amulet back and needs her…BUT HE’S CHUCKY.  3) When she gets up, it’s revealed that CHUCKY got the address they needed while she was incapacitated…meaning she in no way needed to be in there at all and that this entire segment served no other purpose than to make Cassie Hack weak and helpless…oh…and to make me dock this from a 1 to a .5.  Screw that scene and whoever the Hell thought it made sense.

Overall: 0.5 out of 1 

Total Score for Omnibus 1:  5 out of 9 (2.5 to 3 out of 5)

 

Well, now that we’ve ended on that unforgivably stupid note in the middle of an otherwise great story, I think it’s clear that Hack/Slash can best be summed up as a passable series overall that gets things REALLY wrong when it gets them wrong.

BUT IS THE NUMBERED SERIES ANY BETTER?  Check back soon (like around Halloween, let’s say) for my review of Omnibus 2, containing the first 17 numbered issues and a rather infamous Annual Special (I promise it won’t take as long as this review did.  I’ve already written it after all, but no one should have to read 11 pages of reviewing in one shot).

Experiment 3: Pathology of the Sumatran Rat Monkey, aka Dead Alive/Braindead (1992)

CATALYSTS:                                                                                                                                   Peter Jackson (director and writer), Stephen Sinclair (writer), Fran Walsh (writer)

 

REAGENTS:
Timothy Balme

Diana Peñalver

Elizabeth Moody

Ian Watkin

Stuart Devenie

 

REACTION:

Lionel (Balme) has a problem. Since his childhood, he’s been stuck caring for his mother, Vera (Moody), cleaning her mansion, and running her errands.  One day, while picking up the weekly groceries, she wanders into Paquita’s (Peñalver) store.  Paquita, whose mother has foretold her finding great love through interpreting omens, falls head over heels for Lionel.  Thus Lionel finds himself torn between the only woman he’s ever loved and the love of his life….and the Sumatran rat monkey attack isn’t helping…

 

 

HYPOTHESIS:

You probably didn’t realize this movie celebrated its 25^th Anniversary last year, did you?

OBSERVATIONS:

Be honest.  When was the last time you thought about Dead Alive, aka Braindead originally (let alone watched it)?  I remember about a decade or so ago that this movie was usually at least in the discussion of the best horror comedies of all time.  Now the movie is way more forgotten than it should be when we live in a time when it’s common to celebrate horror movie anniversaries.   Five years ago, they released a new 35^th anniversary blu-ray of Halloween with a transfer supervised by the original Director of Photography.   This year, for the 40^th Anniversary, we have a new 4K blu-ray, a small theatrical rerelease, and a series reboot/sequel making over $100 million worldwide.  Dead Alive?  Well, last year was its 25^th anniversary, and I don’t recall hearing about any special screenings or reunions or anything.  Given that news story about how Peter Jackson’s working on 4K restorations of Dead Alive, Meet the Feebles, and Bad Taste, that might explain that… but that’s about it.  The unjustly maligned DVD transfers everyone complains about, for instance, are even all out of print in Region 1 right now (as is a briefly-released 2011 Lions Gate Blu-ray) which is a crying shame given they’re the perfectly-watchable early work of a now-venerated, Oscar-winning director.

 

The movie still works just as well as it did on its first release.  It still features one of the best practical effects showcases in all of horror created using almost 80 gallons of fake blood, among the highest ever.  It presents grisly, effective zombies that stand alongside the iconic creations of Romero, Fulci, and others.  It recalls the puppetry used in both of Jackson’s prior films by way of its gloriously outrageous ending and Selwyn, the zombie baby that, alongside some unplanned extra shooting time and a budget surplus, is the centerpiece of one of the greatest instances of director planning and ingenuity ever.  Its plot nails the balance between a standard “boy-meets-girl” love story, an ever-escalating comedy of errors, and a brutally violent mayhem showcase.

The movie has gotten only more relevant and interesting with age, however.  The themes of growth and attachment that drive Lionel’s character development still work, especially in the final act revelations and climactic battle.  At its core, this movie is less about a zombie invasion and more about what it means to grow up.  On one side, we’re presented with Uncle Les, Lionel’s perverse, harassing, obnoxious uncle who presents Lionel with one idea of what masculinity is.  He wants the house as a place to get drunk, have sex, party, and eventually sell it for tons of money all of which without caring what happens to anyone who gets in the way.  We also have Roger, the milk deliveryman Paquita initially is falling for who serves as the “jockish” growth option.  He protects Paquita when he thinks she’s in danger but only in a way that bullies Lionel and, when he finally starts dating Paquita, is only worth endless monologues about his glorious sports days that ignore all around him.  We then, of course, have Vera who believes Lionel’s greatest accomplishment in life should be to be a good obedient son to her… to the detriment of every other thing in his life.  Finally, and most interestingly in retrospect, we have Paquita herself.

Admittedly, Paquita and Lionel’s relationship suffers from the same issues that plague David and Nurse Alex in American Werewolf in London, namely that it happens initially because the movie says so.  Paquita starts out as unnecessarily pushy purely because she believes Lionel fulfills her tarot card-expressed prophecy.  However, much like the relationship of Alex and David works because we grow to believe in it as the movie progresses, Paquita and Lionel’s love works because of the trials they must suffer through together.  Paquita is such a brilliant character because she shows Lionel he can grow simply by being himself and devoting himself to what and who he truly cares about.  Beyond the question of Lionel’s growth, however, it’s criminal that Paquita is not thought of in the same breath as Laurie Strode, Ellen Ripley, Sidney Prescott, or other iconic female horror badasses.  Beyond just knowing what she wants and going to get it (i.e. Lionel), she almost never needs him to save her. During the climactic party, Lionel is generally in a completely different part of the house from her while she fights off zombies, saving and protecting herself.  She doesn’t need Lionel’s help to fend off the advances of Uncle Les on multiple occasions; she does it herself.  She is the one who gives Lionel the extra encouragement and drive late in the movie to finish off one of the more annoying zombie foes he’s hesitating on.  Finally, even at the very end when she is alone and in mortal peril, she refuses to allow the greatest enemy to easily push her hands off of where she’s hanging and fights tooth and nail to stay alive.  Paquita is easily one of the greatest forgotten horror heroines, and Diana Peñalver deserves a heck of a lot more credit than she gets especially nowadays when there need to be as many good female role models in media as possible.

 

TURNING THE DIAL TO THE RIGHT FREQUENCY:

In the world where watching cable TV and buying movies are becoming more of a thing of the past, Crypticsych has always emphasized to me the importance of holding onto physical media. I have never understood why. It is much easier to just click and stream hundreds of movies/TV shows that you like through Netflix and other streaming channels.  However, having seen Dead Alive, I’m beginning to understand since I would never have known a movie like this existed had he not owned it. He was saddened to find out that not only was the movie out of print but no one had really celebrated its 25th anniversary either. I dove into it keeping everything he’d told me beforehand in mind: fighting Irish catholic priest, baby zombie, and all that blood. Dead Alive delivered all that and so much more: it also has rom-com elements, a blurred line between comedy and tragedy, and many creative ways to dismantle many human beings. From a lawn mower, to a blender, to flushing body parts down a toilet, that element alone kept me on my toes throughout the movie. The characters in this movie are also entertaining and have depth; whether they were alive or dead, they have complex motives and growth throughout the complicated story. I am surprised that they can fit all these conflicts and still flow without making me feel overwhelmed: Lionel vs. his destiny, mother/son Oedipus complex (literally), Lionel vs. society, and Lionel vs. himself (…poor Lionel). I am surprised this type of movie has been allowed to be neglected by distributors so much as to end up out of print.

I would give this movie a 4.5 out of 5 rating due to its rainbow of characters, its depiction of Lionel’s development, and all that blood.

…Plus, I really like that Irish Catholic priest…dead and alive.

Frequency X Out.

CONCLUSIONS:

To be clear, Dead Alive has never stopped being great, even if people don’t exactly talk about it very often anymore.  As I write this, a person online compiled 20 lists of the best horror movies ever made from around the internet to create a top 650 horror movies using data analysis… and this movie comes in at number 86.  This Halloween, though, it might be worthwhile to give it another look.  While the romantic relationship at its core may start a little pushy and fast, the movie as a whole is an otherwise near-flawless showcase of outstanding effects, great performances, an absurd plot, a surprisingly effective yet somewhat subtle take on masculinity, and easily one of the most underrated, brilliantly badass female leads to ever grace a horror movie. It may be unbelievably out of print, but every horror fan owes it to themselves to either watch it on Youtube (seriously, someone’s uploaded both regular and uncut versions…or heck, dig up the extended Braindead cut that’s never been released in the US) or buy the inevitable release when Peter Jackson finishes his 4K remasters!

I give this movie 4.5 stars out 5.

Experiment 2: Monster Control via Telekinesis, aka Colossal (2016)

CATALYST:

Nacho Vigolando (director and writer)

REAGENTS:

Anne Hathaway                                                                                                                                     Jason Sudeikis                                                                                                                                    Austin Stowell                                                                                                                                    Tim Blake Nelson                                                                                                                                  Dan Stevens

REACTION:

Gloria (Hathaway)’s life isn’t exactly going how she’d like.  She’s been kicked out by her wealthy boyfriend for continually partying and drinking.  In an attempt to fix the problem, she decides to head back to her old hometown to clear her mind.  There, she runs into one of her old school classmates, Oscar (Sudeikis), who’s running a local dive bar with his friends.  She agrees to work for him while she gets situated.  One day, however, Gloria comes to after another night of hard drinking to discover a giant monster has attacked South Korea.  As she investigates the continued appearances of the monster, she discovers she has a greater connection to the creature than she realizes.

 

HYPOTHESIS:

The movie advertised on the case… and in the trailer… may be very different from the movie in the box.

OBSERVATIONS:

I have here the blu-ray case for Colossal.  A few selections from it: “Thrilling, Funny, Original…An Instant Classic (comingsoon.net)”, “A Great Deal of Fun (New York Times)”, and, of course, the famed “Certified Fresh” logo of Rotten Tomatoes (presently as of 10/8/2018 showing as 80% positive according to critics).  What do the trailers say?  Well, after a quick Google, we find charming, funny trailers about a woman seemingly getting her life back on track with the support of her friends… as well as quotes like the previously mentioned Coming Soon one now calling it “smart”, a Village Voice quote that says “Hathaway is Hilarious!” that dovetails nicely with a Rolling Stone quote that says she’s “Funny and Fierce”, IGN calling it “A Blast”, W quoted as calling Hathaway “A New Type of Comedy Heroine… for a New Generation”.  So, when Frequency X and I picked up the blu-ray originally, we were expecting a sci-fi comedy that was goofy and empowering… something fun, funny, and light.  We even brought it with us to a movie night with a friend.

After that night, I did a little more digging.  I found that the Rotten Tomatoes score from viewers (not critics) was only a 59%.  I found that two of the biggest horror websites, while giving the movie their usual sometimes suspect positive reviews and sometimes mentioning comedic elements… also began discussing the discomfort present in the movie.  The themes of addiction.  The toxic relationships.

Colossal is not fun. Colossal is barely funny. Colossal is one of the most misleadingly advertised movies I’ve ever seen.  To be clear, it is not terrible by any stretch of the imagination.  It’s a decent film… but it is a very tough, uncomfortable watch.  It only IS watchable, however, primarily because Hathaway conveys the vulnerability of her role well as well as the actions associated with addiction and victimhood.  The effects to create the kaiju over Korea are also very well done and its ending is quite literally the only way the movie can end that makes the movie’s arc worthwhile (even if it ultimately highlights just how much Gloria still has to grow).  Finally, the movie’s story effectively makes the audience feel Hathaway’s pain and desire to grow.

However, that story itself is where the movie’s significant weaknesses show up.  The trailer, for all its focus on Gloria’s connection with the kaiju and implication that somehow this connection will cause her to grow as a person, doesn’t exactly show what’s truly holding her back.  Alcoholism really isn’t Gloria’s true issue… it’s being surrounded by toxic masculinity.  Whether we’re discussing the boyfriend who ignores her, the bar owner’s possessive anger issues, or the complacency and complicity of the bar’s staff, the co-star of this movie beyond Hathaway isn’t an actor… it’s abuse in a variety of forms, shades, colors, and styles.  The only male character who’s even remotely likable (“Garth”) is purely so because he takes himself out of the movie and thus isn’t party to the yet still darker turns the story takes.  While it’s realistic that Gloria would have real difficulty breaking out of this cycle, it doesn’t help watchability when the story has her make very little progress in that regard until near the very end of the film.

This brings us to that comedic tone the trailer and the reviews promise.  The trailer makes it seem like Gloria discovering this monster allows her to gain a better understanding of herself while having fun with her friends and laughing.  She dances and smiles, generally reveling in her newfound ability.  In actuality, she investigates the connection almost scientifically.  She feels deep concern for the people in Korea having to deal with the kaiju.  She goes out of her way to ensure as best she can that the monster does as little damage as possible, a stance that only makes her situation more difficult to watch as challenges grow.  None of what I’ve described should sound funny… because it isn’t, it’s far more serious.  If it were even slightly more fun, slightly funnier, maybe I wouldn’t come away feeling drained and depressed.  There’s nothing really wrong with a movie being a downer, but it’s abundantly clear given the ending (which, again, is satisfying) that the writer/director want the audience to root for Gloria to improve and grow.  That concept only works, however, if that growth is continual and organic.  With how slow the development is until almost the very, very end, though, it just feels rushed and unrealistic.

TURNING THE DIAL TO THE RIGHT FREQUENCY:

               There is a lot to be said about how this movie portrays each character. I think the major disconnect in Colossal comes in clashing the complex relationships of the characters against the simpler monster battle story.  The theme I took away from this movie is that no one is there to help you grow, and it’s easy to fall back into what we feel comfortable with when threatened. Gloria, Oscar, and Garth choose to deal with the cruelty of being an adult by escaping growth and responsibilities in whatever way makes them feel comfortable whether that be running away, abusiveness, or surrendering. However, I felt that all three characters have a resistance to change that starts out subdued but quickly becomes obsessive. Ironically, the plot of this story is not driven by the control of the monsters or preventing mass destruction from them. It is instead about the way things get more out of control the more Gloria and Oscar try to cling to the past that is causing them more harm than good. Gloria escaped from NYC to her hometown only to continue doing the things that caused her to run away from her life in the city with her goal-oriented boyfriend: partying and drinking. Rather than seeking help and accepting the consequences, she wanted everything to be like ‘old times’ when she could do whatever she wanted to do or was comfortable with. Oscar wanted to keep things the way they were in the past before he had to grow up and face cruel adult responsibilities and consequences such as a failed marriage. The attempted mashup of these dynamic relationships is what truly pushes the story rather than what the advertisers used to draw in the viewers (based on the trailer itself), giant monster battles.  In a way, the window into these relationships brings a bigger psychological shock that tends to be much scarier than the creatures themselves. I felt mostly uncomfortable about the physical abuse portrayed in the movie and the almost unnecessary monster element even though the psychological dynamic laid out between the two main characters was realistic and thought-provoking. 

I would give the movie 2 out of 5.

Frequency X Out.

CONCLUSIONS:

Overall, Colossal is not a fun, funny, light story of a woman overcoming her demons with the help of a mysterious kaiju.  It’s a dark, depressing story of addiction, abuse, and victimhood that ultimately doesn’t do either its female characters or its male characters any favors.  Outside of great effects on its monsters, a decent performance by Hathaway, and an ending that basically rewards viewers from enduring the whole deeply flawed journey, the movie only barely rises above average and feels deeply underdeveloped.  Given the current climate of the world, a movie like this absolutely could tell an impressive, empowering story.  It’s just profoundly disappointing that this isn’t that movie. I give the movie 3 stars out of 5.

Experiment 1: Aquatic Monster Survival, aka The Meg (2018)

CATALYST:                                                                                                                                         Jon Turtletaub

REAGENTS:
Jason Statham                                                                                                                                      Li Bingbing                                                                                                                                    Rainn Wilson                                                                                                                                    Ruby Rose                                                                                                                                              Shuya Sophia Cai                                                                                                                            Page Kennedy

REACTION:

Years after Jonas (Statham) had to make the hardest choice of his life in a submarine and was seen as a coward and a liar, he finds himself called back to face the same threat he did before.  Where before he did it for the military, this time he’s being asked by a private company investigating the depths of the ocean that thinks the ocean floor is deeper than scientists think.  When an experimental vessel is attacked by an unseen force and rendered unable to return to the surface, Jonas heads back into the fray.  This time, though, Jonas’s foe may not be staying locked away near the ocean floor.

 

 

HYPOTHESIS:

A good PG-13 movie does not mean a missed opportunity for a good R movie.

 

OBSERVATIONS:

Full disclosure:  Frequency X and I were able to see The Meg about a week before its full release (not because some studio gave us tickets or a screener but because there was an advance screening near us that we were lucky enough to see.  This review would have been out before the movie released, but the lab wasn’t fully set up yet).

I went into The Meg expecting to see what the trailers were implying: a goofy summer action movie with a little bit of horror to it.  I wasn’t expecting an animatronic shark.  I wasn’t expecting high art.  I wasn’t expecting Jaws.  I was expecting something better than an Asylum/Syfy movie since the budget and the actors were definitely there to produce something special.  Finally, I wasn’t expecting something crazy gory because, like Jaws which was rated PG in 1975 (not R), this was rated PG-13.  In the end, I got exactly what I expected.

The whole Asylum/Syfy comparison comes purely and simply because they have cornered the market on movies made specifically about giant sharks for the last decade or so.  Whether they put them in tornados, made them ghosts attacking people out of buckets, gave them two heads, sent them to Spring Break, or pitted them against giant octopi, they were the most culturally well-known shark movies.  There were other ones that have come out in that time (Bait 3D, Shark Night, The Shallows, etc.) but, whether those were good or bad, they didn’t hit hard enough to change the perception that the main goal of a modern shark movie is goofy, awesomely bad cheese.  The Meg differs in that it is trying to play its shark straighter than any of the Asylum/Syfy style.  Those movies absolutely have their place, but this movie was not that.  Now, some will take issue with the fact that, unlike Jaws, the shark was not animatronic or practical.  However, in most cases, we have reached a point as a society where CGI is a fact of life with its use now boiling down to whether or not it is used well.  In this specific case, a movie where I’m not going to legitimately believe a prehistoric monster shark is chasing Jason Statham, the CGI still works because it looks how one would think a megalodon would look in size and shape.  It doesn’t scare you, but it ratchets up the tension.  After all, The Meg is not a horror movie.  It’s maybe an action-horror movie, like a Resident Evil or an Underworld, but most people will not be afraid to go into the water.  That’s fine though, because I truly do not think the makers were trying to make that type of movie.  After all, this is Jon Turtletaub… he of the National Treasure movies, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, 3 Ninjas, and Cool Runnings.  He may have executive produced the excellent series “Harper’s Island”, but he isn’t exactly known for deep fright.

Beyond the fact that it is readily apparent that the makers had far more money at play than a Syfy/Asylum film, they also have far better actors because of their budget.  Most of the actors play roles that are standard stereotypes of these types of films but they elevate them through the nuances of their performances. Statham may be able to play a role like this in his sleep, but that’s only because he’s good at it.  Li Bingbing, one of the most popular actors in China (who sure seemed to help in the funding and casting of quite a lot of this movie), plays Suyin, the daughter of one of the heads of the expedition, and shows tremendous range, coming across intelligent, compassionate, and strong while not being insultingly incapable (as so many characters in this position tend to be).  Shuya Sophia Kai, playing Sophia (Suyin’s daughter), strikes the right balance of cuteness and mild annoyance without falling into unwatchability.  Ruby Rose, playing an excellent technical specialist, breaks stereotype by her portrayal and stands out in a relatively small part.  Page Kennedy’s role as the token black member of the crew works because he doesn’t come across as overly annoying or mugging for the camera… just realistic and funny.  Rainn Wilson provides a uniquely likable version of the billionaire investor trope that movies like this always have while Robert Heller’s crusty former military officer who was a part of Statham’s past is strict, but not cartoonishly so.  Their performances highlight acting and scripting choices crucial to the success of the film because there truly is only one villain in the movie, The Meg itself.

The Meg isn’t a perfect movie, though… an argument could be made some of the characters are unnecessary (Jonas’s ex-wife for instance).  Also, because I never thought this movie was going to be full horror, any moments where they try to build tension of something catastrophic happening (i.e. the ending) never fully had me believing in their stakes and instead only had me waiting for the inevitable way people would find a way out.  That’s not to say no one in the movie dies in the battle against the giant beast… but sitting here, weeks later, none of their deaths hit as important enough to remember beyond fleeting bits and pieces.  That’s not a bad thing in and of itself… it is not a horror movie, after all; it’s an action movie.  However, if someone is going in expecting true terror, they may leave disappointed.

That being said, the brief hullabaloo that hit after its release over the question of whether more gore and more violence was cut out to get a PG-13 rating gets to a problem the genre always has and continues to have.  Jaws was PG.  It was brutal, violent, but not unnecessarily gory usually.  The seriousness of the movie created the fear and the tension just as much as the performances.  It didn’t need to show entire body parts being ripped off or the shark physically eating hundreds.  The shark just needed to stalk his prey to give all the fear it needed.  Whether there is gore to be added back into The Meg or not, this movie was never intended to be a Piranha 3D, i.e. a movie full of over-the-top gore and blood.  This movie did not need to be that.  It just needed to be a fun, popcorn action horror hybrid (heavier on the action) which is exactly what it was.  I’m not saying there’s a grand movement against the movie…it’s made over a half-billion dollars worldwide. But there is a contingent who, whenever the very idea that some violence is left out of a movie becomes known, will refuse to see it ever.  There are certainly cases where mandated cuts hurt films (slasher movies, Disturbing Behavior, etc.) but they do not automatically mean a movie fails.  I honestly feel that if the ending of this movie had been bloodier (which is supposedly where the cuts may have been made), I probably would have felt it out of place given the rest of the movie’s lack of extremeness.  A movie like this doesn’t need to be R to be fun and entertaining.

TURNING THE DIAL TO THE RIGHT FREQUENCY:

Personally, I never understood the whole trend of dedicating a whole week to sharks and different ways to scare millions of swimmers right out of the ocean. The Meg was my first shark movie that I sat down all the way through without wanting to walk away or roll my eyes at it. I never watched Jaws, but I had the gist of the concept of the movie: hungry shark, vengeful protagonist, and lots of people dying, maybe with a side of comedic relief characters. The Sharknado series exploited the clichés and ridiculousness of testosterone driven action movies adding humorous ways to kill by way of a tornado filled with sharks. The Meg surprisingly has a nice balance of playing with and twisting around typical clichés of mega shark movies to make it fresher and more interesting. The diverse cast members as well as the dynamics, dialogue, and interactions between each character kept the ball rolling throughout the movie and helped The Meg to be the thrill-seeking, humorous, intense movie it is without the excessive need of blood and guts. I would give this a 4 out of 5 rating.

Frequency X Out.

CONCLUSIONS:

The Meg is a fun summer action horror blockbuster with great performances that move beyond stereotype.  It is admittedly not deeply scary or gory, but it also doesn’t need to be.  People who go into the film expecting the PG-13 tale it is will likely leave happy.  People expecting an R and all of the mayhem associated with it may simply want to look elsewhere instead of lamenting what they wanted it to be.  I would give this a 4 out of 5 rating.